I set my meditation timer, closed my eyes, and despite my good intentions, fell asleep.
At the 30 minute bell, I was surprised that I hadn’t been awakened by Lynne.
Then I saw a new text had come in from her:
“I’m fried. You have to go on our walk without me.”
Whoa…a bad feeling immediately shot through me.
I texted back: “You changed the plan, that’s not fair!”
I waited a few minutes, no text. I called, no answer.
A progression of angry thoughts arose in me.
How could she leave without calling?…That is so mean! What a chump I am, sitting around waiting, and now I’ll be stuck in rush traffic, what’s the matter with me? Screw her! Why do people treat me this way? Do I ask too much, or am I just expendable? What is the matter with me?
Driving home, a full blown vulnerability hangover was attempting to seduce me: “Lauren, how about climbing into bed and watching a few episodes of Transparent?” a voice from somewhere deep inside inside whispered …”and have some chocolate….you deserve it.”
As I opened a cabinet and to reach for the chocolate I noticed a large grey squirrel poised on a thin branch at the top of a maple tree. As he scampered down the branch, it snapped beneath his weight and he fell. I watched as he hit the ground and ran off into the bushes. Just then I heard myself slowly exhale. Whew!
I realized how tightly I had been holding myself for the past 90 minutes. I had allowed myself to be hijacked and held hostage held by my own automatic negative thoughts. When I was younger, I privately enjoyed these repetitive, self-deprecating thoughts. I had a romantic notion that they were a secret sauce for creativity.
I have negative thoughts, but I am not those thoughts, I reminded myself, reaching into a bowl of Macintosh apples.
The apple was wet and juicy in my mouth, honey sweet and cold…and I can take my power back whenever I want I told myself, as I took another bite.