The Mother In Me is ME and Her
I am my own other, mostly I my mothering energy is in the form of comfort and love and then more comfort. That mother energy comes down from my heart and flowsto my hands and then embraces my belly were my little girl lives. the little girl becomes frightened and fearful and then i fill my heart and myself with mother love tell her that i will never leave her and i will protect her and love her always.
I think of my real mother. Dead and present too. She comes into my studio room and sometimes she makes a suggestion on a fabric, or just hangs around while i am sewing.
i miss her. I hate not to have a sister to talk to about her. this is too hard for me. so now i will call upon my mother inside and she is comforting me and i feel more calm already.
so i have my mother inside, that is me, and the mother outside that is my real dear mother
beautiful and so funny and so sad sometimes. like a mom.
she depended upon me, she depended upon too much.
but maybe she didn’t depend upon me too much, maybe i am weak and selfish and just don’t want to feel my own mistakes, my own failings and false attempts at a life.
now i can see my mom again, i see her when she was young and so beautiful and so scared and it is just after the war and she is with my dad, standing in the grass wearing a blue cotton dress. skirt blowing in the wind.
she was young. wanted a family, and love, a good car and kids. me. my sister. my brother.
i hope that she got what she wanted. i hope that i made her happy sometimes..because i know i made her very sad sometimes.
but she loved. and that love allows me to connect. and now i can feel her love. inside of my chest.
she listened to me and thought i was wise and she trusted me to do the right thing. and i loved her, i alway loved her an i love her now.